4 walls and adobe slabs

For a while now I've felt that I've been so caught up with other things that I've really lost my sense of gratitude for I have. Since I have done nothing except devastate endlessly for the past twelve entries, I feel that I am obliged to show a happier side of life which is starting to blossom in my once dreary head. Along with this, allow me to visually animate my new found love for life, and to regain my gratitude which I should have never lost in the first place.

I woke up this morning at six fifty eight on the dot. This is the first time I can remember being able to wake up and breathe easy. I take a quick shower and engage in my morning routine. This one feels so much different from all the others. My hypothesis, is that when being weighted down by so many thoughts, it's easy to take all the little things for granted, and this CLEARLY relates to much of my past. For the first time in years I experience what a clear head can do to a person both mentally and physically. My breakfast tastes so much better than it usually does, and for once I enjoy my morning in an ever so humble fashion. I believe, that a clear head can cause a heightened sense of feeling. This is probably why I feel as if I can taste every tea leaf in my cup, why my orange juice seems to go down better than ever, why I can fully appreciate every step taken to prepare the meal. It is a sensation unheard of and it cannot be fathomed in words. In fact, any attempt made to describe this feeling is an understatement of its true enlightenment.

I look at my mother, and suddenly I feel everything she's ever done for me. For once I can say I feel the love of my mother, it surrounds me like an invisible blanket of safety. Two things simultaneously happen. A heightened sense of responsibility is handed to me, the responsibility of not letting her sacrifices go in vain, the responsibility of becoming a better person. The next occurrence is that I almost vomit, due to my lack of thanks, the thought itself makes me sick to my stomach.

I look at my sister Gabriella who I once considered to be my greatest pest. It is in that very moment that I am reminded that I am the eldest and it is my responsibility to shine light on her path so that she'll never loose her way. Every time I look at her I am constantly reminded of this.

I am ready now to be the better man, to walk out of the shadows of despair and hatred. I am ready to live again. I will never take a moment for granted be it a walk in the park or the day of my wedding, I will restore a sense of respect to myself. Above all, I will stay true to myself so I may not become a lost cause again.

And with that pledge allow me to end this entry with a quote from one of my favorite bands and a wish for you, the reader.

"I don't mean, to seem like I care about material things, Like a social status, I just want, four walls and adobe slabs for my girls"- Animal Collective.

I wish for you to clear your mind of all that has plagued you, together we will become better people and excel at this challenging test we call life.

Good luck and god bless

-Sam Patrick Yannotti